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Q. What famous painter had two bathrooms?
A. Two Loos (Toulouse) Lautrec.
Q. "Mum, what's a vampire?"
A. "Shut up and eat your soup before it clots."
Q. Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A. To see his flatmate.
Q. How do you stop milk from going sour?
A. Leave it in the cow.
A man walked into a shop - that was careless.
A horse walks into Toys R Us and orders a set of Pokémon cards. The assistant returns with them and says "There you go, £12.50 please."
The horse pays and as he puts the change back in his wallet the assistant says "I'm amazed, we don't often
get horses buying Pokémon cards in here," to which the horse replies, "I'm not surprised, at £12.50 a pack!"
Q. What is black and white and read all over?
A. A newspaper.
Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses come running over the hill?
A. Nothing, he didn't recognise them.
Q. How do you know if an elephant has been in the fridge?
A. Footprints in the butter.
Q. How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
A. Two in the back and two in the front.
Q. Why did the goat cross the road?
A. Because it was the chicken's day off .................... Amanda Boothe
Q. What did the biscuit say when he got run over?
A. Crumbs !! ...................................................... Amanda Boothe
God uses our bathroom, you know. Every morning Dad bangs on the bathroom door and says, "Oh, God, are you still in there?"
Q. What lives at the bottom of the sea, has eight wheels and carries people around?
A. An octobus.
Have you heard about the golfer who always has a spare pair of trousers with him?
It's in case he gets a hole in one.
Did you know that if it wasn't for railway timetables we wouldn't know that the trains were running late.
Q. Who invented the five day week?
A. Robinson Crusoe, because he had all his work done by Friday.
Q. How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
A. A left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.
Q. Why did the Romans build straight roads?
A. So the Ancient Britons couldn't hide round the corners.
Q. Why isn't your head twelve inches wide?
A. Because then it would be a foot.
"I was given a wombat for my birthday."
"What do you do with a wombat?"
"You hit woms with it, stupid!"
Q. What's green and hairy and goes up and down?
A. A gooseberry in a lift.
We were going to buy Mum a kitten for Christmas. Dad asked the man in the shop if they had any going cheap.
"No, sir," replied the shopkeeper, "all our kittens go miaow".
If you're going to cry, I won't tell you.
Q. What do you call two rows of cabbages?
A. A dual cabbageway.
"You just don't appreciate good food."
"I would if you ever cooked any."
Q. What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A. A woolly jumper.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because it wanted to see a man laying bricks.
|The rhyme which follows *just * made it onto this page ... [sent in by a nine-year-old, so we figured most parents / teachers wouldn't object] ... ( please don't send in anything worse than this!! )|
Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
Ten thousand volts went up its bum
And turned its wool to nylon.
.................................................................................................... Solomon [aged 9]
(this was sent in as a true story .....)
An MIT student spent an entire summer
going to the Harvard football field every day
wearing a black and white striped shirt,
walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes
throwing birdseed all over the field,
blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.
At the end of the summer,
it came time for the first Harvard home football game,
the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle,
and the game had to be delayed for half an hour
to wait for the birds to get off the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
This was sent to us recently. We don't know where it originated (though we'd be very happy to credit the author!) Read it slowly and very carefully:
I'm not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate.
Read the full description before looking at the picture.
You are going to look at a photo which has two identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study of a test group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress will find differences in the two dolphins.
If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences, you may be in desperate need of time away from work! Now click here .....
And just received:
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment
to a couple of his friends late one night.
When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering whack, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You stop that, it's ten past three in the morning!" .....
|The "Jokes" page - Creativity - News and Views -
located in Area 6 at Project HappyChild - linking children all across the world
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